Dubai

Winter in the Emirate Isle

As the Autumn months are drawing to a close, and the Extinction Rebellion protests mysteriously evaporate in sub zero temperatures, Advent is upon us and one looks forward to the Christmastide.

While is this Christmas isn't as grim as the one in 2020, there is little room for festive cheer. Sub-sentient pensioners who draped Ukraine flags out of their windows blame energy firms for price racketeering. Dog food imbibing opposition MPs blame “Putin’s Tory Mates” for the cost-a-living crisis. A massively bloated welfare state and international health service, coupled to a refusal to build anything doesn't to come into it apparently. For the young taxpayer who wants to get on in the world, being the nation’s paypig is less than ideal.

Whilst it may feel like there is no Israel for the likes of you, there is another country in that proximity that might offer a respite from Geriatric Brezhnevism. I am of course talking about The United Arab Emirate of Dubai.

It's gaudy towers and large Deano diaspora can seem off putting to some. Its general flashiness and commitment to economic growth has made it the bête noir of the chattering classes.

 However, when I was offered the opportunity to go there on someone else’s expense in winter - I leapt at the opportunity. Will the think pieces by broadsheet columnists about it being drenched in hypocrisy and blood be true, or would I find my little piece of Jannah in the Emirate?

Get around

Dubai's primary attraction is one of the hub spoke airport much like Hong Kong, it is a 7 hour flight from London Heathrow on Emirates which is the world’s busiest airline. I have to say at this point the airline is probably one of the best I've ever been on at the price point (£600 return). It seems to be staffed entirely by 5’11” Eritrean princesses who are as courteous as they are elegant. There is also a very sweet touch whereby they go through economy class with a polaroid camera taking photos for families.

Dubai International is a model example of the advantages being able to build an airport from scratch, without modern ossification. Check in, even with bags is entirely automated and just “works". There is a rail link that goes directly downtown, but it is the taxi rank traffic management which blew my mind:

When I walked outside my heart sank when I was greeted with about 150 taxis in a parking lot, the dispatcher saw my expression and assured me I would be gone in 60 seconds, I was directed to one taxi and sure enough, was on the motorway to my hotel to the minute.

The fares are incredibly reasonable, and this is probably since there is a vast amount of migrant labour. All taxi drivers were courteous and polite although as is the way in that part of the world they drive like lunatics - make sure you have a working seat belt.

As previously mentioned, there is a new mass transit system, which is quite useful to get to places like the Burj al Khalifa, as it cuts through the spaghetti junctions. Not surprisingly there are women only carriages on it which means it only has half capacity sometimes (not great in rush hour).

As for walkability, the payments are wide, but an Iberian town whoring itself out for European Regional Development Fund money it isn't. There is perhaps half a mile between crossings over eight lanes of highway, it is also rarely under 30 degrees midday – get a cab.

Party

Dubai's reputation for being a city of sin in an oasis of religious piety is almost a cliche at this point – so I won’t bore you with Britpopperisms. Alcohol can't be bought in convenience stores, most drinking is done in hotels. Don't be fooled by the image of a depressing Premier Inn bar in Harpenden serving Heineken by the bottle; most hotel bars are faithful reconstructions of British pubs, with pool tables, good food, Sky Sports, and unlike in our own despotic Kingdom you are allowed to smoke in them. 

Price wise the costs are less egregious than you think, happy hour prices start from 6 pounds a pint, Although I'm reliably informed they can start from as low as 4 pounds, drinking isn't cheap and at the airport, prices can be as high as 15 pounds a pint, but it is possible to have a fairly cheap night out if you know where to look.

Talent

When writing these articles, I've tried to offer practical advice on what I think people might ask me when going somewhere. As such I'm very reluctant to turn this Substack into a PUA sex guide. However, the issue of prostitution is almost one that is impossible to avoid in Dubai.

There are sleazier places, in both Europe and South East Asia, but nothing can prepare you for when you go down to the pub for a quiet shandy and in the bar, there are no fewer than 50 hookers (discreetly) applying their trade.

And there are women from all parts of the world, on the three nights I stayed Monday was Russian girls, Tuesday was African girls, and Wednesday was Filipino girls - Men of Culture will not be disappointed. It really is something that has to be seen to be believed. I didn't partake so I can't tell you about the practicalities of any transactions.

Dating wise it is like any other international city, be prepared to have deep pockets – restaurants aren't cheap – I am reliably informed among the expat community it is also a sausage fest.

Costaliving

In a word – expensive. That being said these huge variations between spending obscene amounts of money and being able to get by, it is not a backpacker destination so I would take advantage of the intense competition between hotels to book something nice as a bare minimum, you want somewhere with a pool.

Flights are competitive, if you really want to grin and bear it you can get a connecting flight on Wizz Air through Budapest for about 200 quid return. Otherwise, pay double and go direct. As I said booze is not cheap, but you can buy off sales in certain stores or import a certain amount.

There are also local shops that cater to the huge Indian and Filipino diaspora who work there. and it goes without saying being a Petrostate, gasoline and other energy is incredibly cheap.

Long Term

Whether you could Dubai long term really depends on what job you have. Digital nomads who have to live off money from English lessons will struggle. However if you have a cushy expat job, there is no income tax and there are lots of things for families to do. It is also very safe, I would leave my laptop in a cafe on its own and not worry. There is little in the way of culture, but on the flip-side being an Islamic State there is little in the way of ‘current thing’ either. I'm not a particular Islamophile but even I felt that the call to prayer in the airport and shopping malls was a refreshing departure from “see, it say. it sorted”.

I also admire Dubai as a technical achievement, and I think our Victorian ancestors would have done likewise. In this age of the Chunky Chips, having an indoor ski resort next to Saudi Arabia is seen as an obscenity that will anger Gaia - but I think it's very cool.

In my short time there I felt myself running out of things to do. However, I could happily spend a miserable February in the pubs and on the beaches, and unlike most exotic locations it is not on the other side of the world - just don’t upset anyone important.